Walking Far From Home
by EvidenceOfMe
Summary: Emily Prentiss is far from her home and family. When the weight of solitude becomes too heavy, in a split second she makes a decision that will not only affect her life, but also the team.  My take on how Prentiss will return to CM. Spoilers for Lauren
1. Chapter 1

**Hey so this is only my second CM story, so please be nice. It's only a three shot and I have all the chapters written. Takes place after "Laruen" so if you haven't seen it, or don't know what happens, then don't read it. Not really any ships, just friendship. Kind of self-explanatory so read and enjoy! Reviews are lovely! Thanks**

~ Walking Far From Home ~

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restored and sorrows end.

~William Shakespeare

The tall brunette closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. An aroma of coffee and old streets filled her senses. She loved Paris; the bright lights, the smiling faces, the breath taking sights.

She opened her eyes again and looked out from her balcony window. The smile that had been delicately balanced on her lips faded slowly. Wrapping her arms around her chest, careful to watch the still painful area on her body, she walked back inside, closed and locked the glass doors behind her.

Had she been her for any other reason, she would have loved it. She would have enjoyed every day spent wandering the crowded streets, but she longed for home. To be once again surrounded by her make-shift family. To feel their warm embrace, hear their words of encouragement and comfort.

A tear escaped from her eye and slowly rolled down her cheek. It was too painful to think about, yet that was all she did. Day after day, she thought of them.

They had all been through so much together, faced so many horrible sights. It bonded them in a way that was unlike any other. They all shared an unspoken understanding.

She walked into the bedroom and looked in the floor length mirror. Since the incident with Ian Doyle, her body had taken a bad beating, even beyond the one he had given her.

Her eyes had dark circles under them, even more prominent than usual. Her complexion closely resembled a corpse and no matter how much blush and red lipstick she applied, she still looked paler than a ghost.

The wound in her stomach where she had been staked was healing, but it was still tender. If she moved just the right way, pain would course through her body at an excruciating rate.

Taking a step closer to the mirror, she slowly unbuttoned her blouse and looked at the slowly healed scar. It still burned to the touch. To her, it was worse than any physical wound could be.

It was a reminder of a nightmare that she longed to forget, but sadly this scar would last a lifetime. There was no trying to cover it up, no trying to prevent the smell of burning flesh and flood into her memory every time she looked at it.

But that was sadly not the worst of it. The nightmares are what kept her awake at night. She was afraid to close her eyes, in fear she would be met with his face, inches from her, the feeling of his breathe on her cheek.

She inhaled quickly and buttoned up her blouse again, deciding it was best not to dwell on the things she had no control over. Picking up her cell phone, she contemplated on calling JJ.

It had almost been a week since they had talked and she really needed to hear a friendly voice. She had been in France for almost three weeks and hadn't found anyone that she was comfortable enough to talk with.

Not that she could even say much. She still wasn't even fully clear on what her story was, sure she had read over the fifty page file JJ had given to her that explained her new background, but somehow she couldn't make it stick.

Only the day before she had almost introduced herself as Emily Prentiss, but luckily before the words could escape from her mouth she had caught herself. No, now she was known as Sophie Parker, an aspiring novelist from California.

Sitting on the edge of the bed she dialed JJ's number. As the line rang she found herself on the verge of tears, for what reason she did not know. Maybe it was lack of sleep, or just the emotion weight that had been seated on her shoulders for a long time.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end sounded rushed, like her mind was somewhere else. Emily thought for a moment about that to say, then decided on nothing and quickly hung up.

As soon as she did the tears slipped from behind her closed lids and flooded down her cheeks. She couldn't do this anymore. She could not live knowing that her family was out there, thinking she was buried six feet under.

The pain and grief they must have gone through. And JJ, poor innocent JJ couldn't say a word. She couldn't tell the team that Emily was still out there, alive.

In that split second she knew what she had to do. No longer could she spend her days thinking of them, wondering what they were doing or where they were. No longer would she spend her sleepless nights, afraid to close her eyes.

She was going home.

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. ~Author Unknown

**Please review! Next chapter will be up soon**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey so I know that this is a short chapter, but the next one is long so don't worry! Thanks for the reviews! Glad you like the story. Let me know what you think! **

**Oh and forgot to mention that the T rating is just for some language which is in this chapter haha So yeah! Enjoy**

**Next/last chapter will be up either tomorrow or Friday!**

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. ~Paul Pearshall

Her boots stepped down and hit the wet pavement of the airstrip. She slung her bag over her shoulder, letting out a small grunt of pain as she twisted too far.

She hadn't even told JJ she was coming back. Hell, she hadn't told anyone. She knew she was risking her life and the lives of her team, by just being there. And she was most likely breaking at least a few federal rules.

But she just kept telling herself, fuck it. Fuck protocol and screw the consequences. She could deal with whatever they threw at her; after what she'd been through, anything to come would be a walk in the park.

She knew her chances of returning to the BAU were slim, but right now she didn't care. She was finally home. Finally close to those she loved dearly, to those who she had horribly betrayed.

The image of Morgan looming over her was still fresh in her mind, his soft words of comfort still echoing in her ears. The thought of seeing Garcia made her heart and ache and her lips form a smile.

She even missed Hotch's cold words and intense gaze, but she knew he meant everything with the upmost care. And Rossi, tough, hard, caring Rossi; the man who was always there to offer kind words of comfort.

And then there was Reid. Just the thought of him made her heart ache. He was so smart that at times it made him completely innocent.

Reid had always been the butt of the jokes, but she sometimes they hit to close to home. And although he would never say anything, she could tell that it bothered him.

Over the years that she had known him he had been through so much. Hell, they had been through so much together. She had always been there too look out for him and he trusted her greatly.

From the moment she joined the team she felt like an older brother to him, offering guidance when and if she could. She couldn't bear to think of what he must be going through.

Pulling herself from her thoughts, she realized she was the only one left standing on the airstrip. Excitement and fear boiled deep inside of her as she hailed a cab.

In less than twenty-four hours she had made a completely irrational decision and caught the first flight out of France and to Virginia. Just thinking about it made her head spin.

Usually she trusted her judgment, but now she was second guessing herself. Wondering if this really was the right thing to do. After all, she had left to protect them from further danger.

Rossi and Seaver could have been shot, that was on her. And now she was coming back to them. Putting them in exactly the situation she had tried so hard to avoid before.

Doyle was in jail, she knew that. And she also knew that multiple agencies were making sure he stayed there this time, for good. But she could not shake the looming feeling that was cast over her.

"Where you headed?"

"FBI headquarters in Quantico, please." She said…Home.

You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it's all right. ~Maya Angelou

**Please reveiw! Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone! So here is the last chapter! And it's a nice long chapter! :) Thanks you to those who reviewed and I can't believe that 18 people put in on alert! Makes me so happy! Haha It would be totally awesome if those 18 people could review?...*hint hint* lol just kidding! Hope you all enjoyed the story.**

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

The elevator doors opened before her. Her mind flashed back to the moment she left. The look on Morgan's face when he knew she was lying. God, what had she done?

Her heart rate seemed to double as she stepped off the elevator. For the most part the office was empty. She looked at her watch and saw it was after 5. Most everyone had gone home to their families.

What had she been thinking? Coming here, the team probably wasn't even there. Slowly she pushed open the glass door leading to the bull pen.

Her old desk still stood beside Reid's, untouched. It was exactly the way she left it. Taking a shuddering breath, she tried to keep herself together as tears were once again threatening to spill from her eyes.

She heard something down the corridor and started to walk the familiar path. Garcia's office stood at the end of the hall, the door slightly open.

Her lips began to quiver as she got closer. She still listened to Garcia's voicemail every day, sometimes more than once, just to hear her sweet voice once again.

Biting her lip she slowly opened the door, her heart racing. Her breath caught in her throat as the door swung fully open; Penelope was there. She closed her eyes and had to tell herself to breathe.

"Oh God…"

She swung around at the sound of the voice behind her, by now tears streaking her pale cheeks.

Garcia stood a few feet away; the file in her hand slowly slipped from her fingers and fell to the ground. "Am-am I dreaming?"

Emily smiled through her tears. "No, Pen, you're not."

"It's really you?" She said through her own tears.

Prentiss only nodded, not trusting her voice again. Before she knew what hit her, Penelope had her arms wrapped tightly around her; throwing a thousand words and emotions into a single hug.

"Oh God, honey, I thought you were dead. We all thought you were dead. Where have you been? Are you okay?"

"Garcia, not right now okay? Please."

"Did I hurt you? Oh no. Are you okay? God-"

Emily smiled as she wiped her face with the back of her hand. "No, I'm okay. Just need a moment, you know?"

"No, no. I understand. I'm just uh a little-"

"Surprised?"

Garcia laughed as she stepped farther back to take a good look at Emily, but she still kept a firm grasp on Emily's hand. "You're back? When? How?"

"Um I guess about a half hour ago." She said, looking at her watch. "Pen, I really want to catch up and all, but is the rest of the team here?"

Just then the sound of the elevator door chimed and voices softly flooded down the corridor.

"That should be them now." Garcia said, tears still streaming down her face. Emily wasn't sure if they were tears of shock or happiness.

As the voices slowly drifted throughout the bull pen, Emily slowly walked towards them, with Garcia right at her heels. Even with moral support right behind her, Emily still felt like she could get sick at any moment.

What would they say? Would they be mad at her? What would she say to them? She knew Garcia already had so many questions, and now to double that by five.

With each heavy footstep her heels clicked along the linoleum floor. Time seemed to slow down to a crawl. It was like a lifetime had passed before she stood just out of sight.

One more step and they would see her, one more step and there was no going back. She placed a shaky hand on door as she pushed it open.

Morgan stood with his back towards the door, talking with Reid and Seaver. Rossi and Hotch must have already gotten to their offices because they were no longer in sight.

She just stood there for a moment, letting the feeling sink in. This was real; it wasn't a dream. She was really there. Blinking her eyes a few times she opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come out.

Garcia came and stood a few feet behind her and to the side, not saying a word. Morgan must have noticed the movement because he paused in the conversation and looked up.

Emily locked eyes with him; no words needed to be spoken, he knew all that she meant to say.

"Morgan, what-" Reid's words were cut off by Seaver's soft, "Oh my God."

Reid slowly turned around to see what in the world was going on. The air caught in his chest and the color drained from his face.

"I'll uh go get Rossi and Hotch." Seaver said quietly, although Emily doubted either of the men standing next to her even heard what she said.

Emily didn't care about anything else at the moment. All she cared about was the look on Reid's face. She couldn't read it, and that scared her. She had known him so long; she knew every expression to cross his lips.

But this one she could not place. Was it betrayal that had his brow furrowed? Was it joy or anger that had eyes eye's filling with tears?

"Emily?" His voice was soft and cracked, but clear.

Her lips quivered as she nodded. She didn't know what to do. Hell, it wasn't like she had any experience in this field before. What was she supposed to do?

Walk up to them and say "hey, I didn't die. I just lived in France for the past month, but hey, I'm back now so no worries! Sorry for making you think I was dead."

She decided that a simple, "It's really me," would have to suffice. She felt like she was glued to the spot. Her legs felt like fifty pound weights, her chest was heavy with each breath of air she took in.

Reid took a shaky hand and placed it on the desk behind him, her old desk. He looked like he could pass out at any moment, but all the while his eyes stayed locked with hers.

Finally Emily had to look away as Rossi stepped out of his office. For a moment he stood there, momentarily paralyzed like the others, but he seemed to free himself from the vortex quicker than the others.

He quickly walked down the steps, passing a still stunned Reid and Morgan, and made his way to her side.

He stood a few feet from her, forcing her to turn her gaze off of Reid. "You okay?" Rossi's voice was soft and caring; like the father figure she always looked up to him as.

All Emily could manage was a small nod. He took another step forward and slowly whipped a tear from her face, sympathy flooding into his own eyes. "It's okay."

Emily looked away, afraid that if she looked into his eyes any longer she would lose all composure and end up collapsing on the floor in emotional exasperation.

Rossi, seeming to sense her inner struggle and in one swift but gentle movement pulled her into a soft embrace. He just held her for a moment, not saying a word.

She let herself fall into his arms, closing her eyes and silently letting the tears go that she had so desperately been trying to keep in.

He gave her and gentle squeeze after a few minutes and let her go, still resting a hand on her shoulder, making sure she was alright. That is alright as she could be.

Morgan must have made his way over to her while she was lost in Rossi's hug, because as she pulled away Derek was right beside her. "Come here, Princess."

If she had had any control over her emotions before, that was now lost. She forgot how much she missed his voice, and God, how beautiful it sounded to her ears.

She took a shuddering breath and tried, once again, to slightly compose herself. By now she was sure her eyes were red and puffy, not her most attractive look, she had to admit.

Hotch stood across the bull pen, just outside his office door. His face was hard and it could only be described as Hotch. But studying his face more closely Emily noticed that the corners of his mouth turned up.

JJ had told her that Hotch knew, although it did nothing to really comfort her. After all, it must have been hell for him to, having to watch the team grieve all the while knowing she was alive and out there somewhere, but not able to say a word.

Emily released Morgan's hand, which she hadn't realized she'd been holding so tightly. Reid still leaned against the desk, although some color had returned to his face.

She stood face to face with him; the world around her fading into darkness. "We thought you were dead." His voice was barely above a whisper and it made her heart shatter even more.

"I know."

"We went to your funeral and watched them lower an empty casket into the ground. I sat by a gravestone with your name on it."

Emily choked back tears. "I know, Spence."

"And you're alive? How could you Emily? We are your family and you couldn't trust us."

"Spencer, you have to understand, I didn't have a choice. I-"

"Yes, you did, Emily. You always have a choice…I-I never got a chance to say goodbye to you."

She watched silently as tears filled the younger man's eyes. She didn't know what else to say. She knew there were no words that could offer him comfort; she just had to wait for him to accept all of what had happened.

Emily couldn't take it anymore. She looked down at her feet and spoke loud enough so the whole team could hear, "I came back because I couldn't stand to be away from any of you any longer. I had time to realize that you are my family, and that I can trust you with anything.

And I am sorry, so unbelievably sorry for what all of you have been through because of what I did. If I could take it all back I would; in a heartbeat.

I know this is just as difficult for you as it is for me, so I understand that you need time. But I hope and I pray that you can forgive me for what-"

Her words were cut short as Reid launched his arms around her in a tight embrace. She could feel his body shake as he held onto her. "I missed you so much, Emily."

Tears flowed down her face once again; she had lost count of how many times

she had cried. Wrapping her arms around Reid she held him close to her; losing herself in the feeling of his warmth.

She was finally home.

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. ~Frederick W. Robertson

**Hope you liked it! Reviews are great! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey! Thank so much for the reviews! This was only going to be a three shot, but a few of you asked for more so here it is! Just wrote this chapter today so I'm not sure if it's any good but I'm posting it anyway! :) Not sure how long the story will go on, but we shall just have to wait and see! May end up being Hotch/Prentiss, not really sure. But definitely Prentiss/Reid friendship. Lemme know what you think! Or if you'd like a different ship. I'm willing to try whatever, just not sure if it will be good haha **

**Reviews are like eating chocolate frosting out of the container while watching chick flicks :) **

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

* * *

She pushed the key in and turned the lock, the door creaked as it swung open; her old apartment. It felt like a lifetime since she had been there, when in reality it had only been over a month.

Morgan and Reid stood behind her, silently waiting for her to make the first move and step inside. After the initial shock of her being alive and well, it was like old times.

Almost like nothing had ever happened. And she wished it could feel that way forever, that Ian Doyle could be nothing more than a nightmare of a past life, one that she no longer needed to live.

But sadly that was not the case, and she knew it. This was not over. It wouldn't be until there was a bullet in his head, and she'd be the one to put it there.

She wasn't a cold blooded killer; every time she shot her gun, remorse and guilt would rip through her body, no matter how vile the UnSub was. Taking another's life was just not something she was proud of.

Doyle was different. He had taken her life from her. He had put her in the position she now faced, the one that she was unsure of; looking for a path blindly in black fog.

Pulling herself out of her thoughts, she suddenly remembered that she was still standing in the doorway. "Sorry." She muttered as she walked in, closing the door behind Reid and Morgan.

"Where would you like this?" Morgan asked. He had insisted that he and Reid accompany her home and that he carry her bag for her. Although she had resisted at first, she soon caved in.

The truth was the past day's events had begun to ware on her. Her body ached not only from lack of sleep, but still from the wounds that seemed to have never fully healed.

"Anywhere is fine, thanks." She felt awkward standing in her out apartment with them; she felt like she needed to do or say something, but no words would come.

"Do you guys want anything to drink? Well actually water is about your only option so…"

Morgan chuckled, "I'll get the drinks, and you two go and sit."

She could have cried right then and there, just the warmth of having the two of them with her was enough to make her heart ache.

Reid was silent as he followed her into the living room. She sat on the couch and kicked off her shoes, bringing her knees into her chest. Reid took the arm chair to her left.

"You okay?"

Her words startled him and he looked up abruptly. "I should be asking you that."

Emily smiled, typical Reid. "You shouldn't be doing anything. You're here and that's all I could ask of you."

"No, I should have done something more. I should have known something was wrong; I should have talked to you. There is so much I should have seen, Emily. You-"

"Spencer."

The use of his first name, something she rarely did, caught him off-guard once again. "What?"

"I'm the one that should have done something. I should have trusted you the moment Doyle came back into my life. I should have told you everything instead of hiding it away, thinking I could protect you.

But instead I hurt you more than anything. And for that I am truly sorry. If I could take it back I would in an instant. But I can't, I have to face that aftermath of what I did…I just couldn't stand to be alone any longer."

"You're never alone, princess." Morgan said softly, walking into the room and sitting in the other armchair across from Reid.

Emily bit the inside of her cheek; they really were going to make her cry.

"Even though we thought you were six feet under, we still thought about you, every day. Garcia stopped in front of your picture every time she walked by. I even caught her talkin' to you a few times about a case." Morgan said, smiling.

"You're gonna make me cry…again." Emily said as she laughed but it came out more as a sob. "Just give me a minute okay?" She said as she rose and quickly made her way to the bathroom, not waiting for a reply.

Morgan watched silently as she brushed past him. He looked over at Reid who was also watching Emily. "Go talk to her, kid. Hotch called while I was getting the water, he wanted to see how she was doin' so I'll give him an update."

"How is she doing, Morgan?" Reid asked his question in all honesty.

Derek shook his head. "I don't know, kid. I don't know."

* * *

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;

One need not be a house;

The brain has corridors surpassing

Material place.

~Emily Dickinson, "Time and Eternity"


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone! Really sorry it's taken me so long to update! School has been crazy and I was sick on spring break, and yeah. Life has just kinda gotten in the way. :( But! School is almost over! Just a few more weeks and then I can write more so yay! haha But don't worry, I haven't forgetten about you! So enough of that, on with the reading! Thanks for all the reviews! Keep em comin!**

**Enjoy**

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown

* * *

Emily stood over the sink; her arms shaking. She looked at the reflection in the mirror, but she did not know who it was looking back at her.

Over the past few weeks her reflection had been many things; it had been etched with worry, fear, guilt, apprehension, anger, remorse. But now, she could not profile the face that was looking back at her.

It was lost, a blank slate of emotion; showing nothing and yet feeling everything.

She turned the faucet on and splashed cold water on her face, letting the cool water wash away with the tears. This didn't feel real. None of it did.

She longed for the simple days, when her life only consisted of work, day in and day out. When had things gotten so complicated? Now she wasn't even sure if she could return to work.

The days that lay before her were unsure and clouded with blind spots of the unknown. If only life were simple, but it never was. There was always something.

Turning off the water she took a few steps back until her body hit the wall with a soft thud. She slid down until her knees were pushed into her chest. Emotions were flowing through her so fast that she now felt numb.

Immune to whatever it was that was going on. She was having one of those out of body experiences, like in a dream when you feel like you are watching yourself through another person's eyes.

After being alone and away from the team, her family, for so long she thought she would relish in their company, but now she only wished to be alone. She wanted to stay locked away in the bathroom until she could figure things out.

For all she knew, that could take weeks. She didn't want to face Morgan and Reid, now alone in her living room. She had faced killers, drug dealers, hell she had faced Doyle head on and yet now she didn't even want to face the two men that had always been there for her.

They had always been her rocks in the raging river known as life. They had been shoulders to cry on, ears to listen and voices to comfort. And now she was at a loss of words for what to say to them.

A soft knock at the bathroom door brought her back to reality. "Emily?" Reid's soft voice drifted through the closed door.

She instinctively pulled her legs closer, a superficial act of defense. "Yeah?" Her voice cracked and she silently cursed herself for even saying anything.

Reid tentatively turned the handle; he had no idea what he was doing. What would he say to her? Should he talk to her about what happened? Just wait for her to make the first move?

Scenarios ran through his head by the second. He took a breath and pushed the door open slowly. His eyes widened at the sight that was before his eyes.

Emily sat on the cool bathroom floor; her eyes were slightly red and puffy. This was the strong, fierce FBI Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss. But now she looked like a lost and lonely child.

Reid bit his lip as he just looked at her. Emily didn't even seem to react to his prescience. "Do you uh mind if I sit with you?"

Emily smiled softly, but he could tell it wasn't genuine. "Suit yourself. I don't care."

He was slightly hurt by her words but he brushed it off and sat down by her side. Silence fell over the two of them for a few moments. Emily, who did not, want to say anything. And Reid, who desperately wanted to break the silence but was at a complete loss for words.

"Do you uh want to talk about it?" Reid asked, not able to take the deafening silence any longer.

Emily didn't turn to look at him as she spoke; Reid's concern for her grew with the more time that passed, it was like she was shutting down completely.

"I'm sitting on my bathroom floor crying. You're a profiler, this kind of screams I don't want to talk."

"Yeah, but it's me."

Emily felt her chest tighten. God, what was she doing? He was right; this was Reid she was talking too. He didn't deserve this, neither did she, but still. This was sweet innocent Reid.

"Spence, I'm sorry. That came out a lot harsher than I meant it too."

"You don't have to apologize to me."

"Yes. I do. You're only trying to help and I just shot you down. It's just…I'm not myself right now." Emily said softly.

"No one is expecting you to be, Em. No one is expecting things to go back to normal, and if we can all get our heads wrapped around that and truly believe it, we'll all be better off."

"All I want is normal." Emily laughed sarcastically, "Like I even know what normal is anymore."

"Then we'll just get a new normal."

Morgan's voice started them as they looked up to see him standing in the doorway. "Sorry to interrupt, but wanted to make sure you two weren't dead or somethin'."

"Nope, still alive, thanks." Emily said, quickly whipping a tear that had slid down her face.

Morgan smiled and walked into the small bathroom, taking a seat on the other side of Emily.

"You know, we can move to the living room again." She said, feeling a little awkward sitting in her bathroom with two of her best friends.

"Nah, I kinda like it in here. Don't you Reid?"

"Perfectly comfortable."

"You are two of the strangest men I know…And that is definitely saying something."

"We try." Morgan said, as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

Emily laughed a real genuine laugh. "Well good. Don't stop."

* * *

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

**Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I am so so sorry! :( Had a bad case of writers block and just did not feel like updateing! I hope that now that it is summer (and that I'm back in the writting mood!) that updates will come more often! Didn't really plan it but I think each chapter will kind of focus on Emily and another member of the team. But we shall see! **

**Oh and I am so completly excited that Paget Brewster is coming back next season! Yay! haha on with the reading! **

**And please forgive me for the late update! Reviews are completly welcome! :)**

**Enjoy**

* * *

In the country the darkness of night is friendly and familiar, but in a city, with its blaze of lights, it is unnatural, hostile and menacing. It is like a monstrous vulture that hovers, biding its time. ~Somerset Maugham

* * *

I was running.

My breathing was fast; my heartbeat quick.

But I was going nowhere.

My feet pounded on the pavement, but no matter how hard I pushed myself, it was like I just couldn't run fast enough. I looked over my shoulder; he was gaining on me.

I closed my eyes for a moment and suddenly I was back at the BAU. I knew it was a dream and I wanted to wake up; but something was holding me back. Keeping me submerged in my own darkness.

I saw my picture on the wall; the wall of fallen comrades, of those who lost their life in the line of duty. I shouldn't be up there. I was alive. Wasn't I? I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of guilt.

I turned away from the picture, no longer able to look at it. But as I turned my head began to spin. There was blood everywhere. I looked down; blood covered my hands and body.

Suddenly there was a sharp pain in my stomach; one I had felt before. My breath shuttered. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't see past the blinding white of sheer pain.

My eyes closed tightly. Wake up, wake up, wake up; repeated in my head like a broken record. It's just a dream, I kept telling myself. And yet it felt so real; if felt just like I remembered it.

The pain; the hurt; the guilt; the fear.

"Prentiss?" My name echoed. I felt sick; my eyes blurred as my world began to spin.

* * *

I shot up in bed; my heart racing. My hands were cold and clammy and sheets where anywhere but on my sweat coated body.

I heard a loud knock on the door and my name was called out again. I looked at the clock beside my bed. Who the hell would be here at 3 in morning?

Grabbing a sweatshirt from closet, I hurried down the stairs and was shocked to see who it was standing outside my apartment.

"Hotch."

I opened the door, wondering what his explanation would be for banging on my door so late at night.

"Are you alright?"

I watched his eyes scan me up and down; clearly my nightmare had left me somewhat of a disheveled mess because his eyes filled with concern and his face creased with worry.

"Fine. Just wasn't sleeping well." I said, and he gave a slight nod. "Would you uh like to come in?"

Hotch didn't say a word as he slowly walked inside. I closed the door behind him and followed him into the kitchen.

"Can I get you anything?" I suddenly felt very self-conscious, my boss/former boss was standing in my kitchen at 3 in the morning and I was in my pajamas probably looking like hell.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I sighed. "Hotch."

"I'm sorry; it's just that you really don't look well." His eyes were full of worry; genuine worry. Something I wasn't used to seeing in them.

"Like I said; wasn't sleeping well."

"Nightmares?"

My silence was response enough for him. "May we sit?" Again I was silent; I only walked over to the couch and pulled my knees to my chest, giving him his answer.

Silently he followed me, taking his seat in the arm chair across from me. "I would say that nightmares will go away with time, but that would be a lie. They do get," he sighed, searching for the right word. "Better."

"Foyet?" I asked, raising my eyes to look at him. I saw him stiffen at the mention of the name. The man who had taken his life; who had taken his world, crushed it, and left him to deal with the after math.

"Yes. And Doyle for you." Hotch said, more as a statement than question.

"Do the scars ever fade?" I asked quietly.

Hotch raised his head to look at me and then lowered it again, staring at his feet. "The ones on skin, yes, they do."

"And the others? The ones on your soul; the ones burned into memory."

"I honestly cannot answer that for you, because mine haven't. I still have nightmares. Yes, they have faded and are no longer as strong. But there are still nights I wake up looking a lot like you do now.

The flashbacks are the worst. When you see or hear something that reminds you of a memory. It throws you back and for a moment you can't breathe. Those too, will pass. But it takes time.

Emily, I need you to know I'm here for you; any time of night or day. I can't say I know how you feel, just like you don't know how I feel. Everyone is different.

But I do know what it's like to have someone torture and haunt your life."

I was silent. Letting his words sink it; surprised that he had shared so much with me, having normally been a man of very few words and next to no emotion.

I felt like crying; I felt like running into his arms and burying my face in his shoulder. Instead I sat there; frozen.

Hotch must have sensed what was going on because before I knew it he was kneeling down beside me.

"Prentiss, look at me." He said, his voice soft.

I gave up on holding back the tears. "I want to forget, Hotch. I want the pain to go away. I want the scars to fade. I want to feel like me again. Because this…This waking up in a cold sweat, scared beyond belief, this is not me.

I want to go back in time and change everything that happened with Doyle. I want to do things different. Because right now I hate my life; I hate the fear that grips me when I think about how he is still out there.

And every day I feel like a part of me is dying inside; like I'm slowly losing myself. Hotch, I can't do this anymore."

I looked into his eyes and he held my gaze intensely. Without speaking a word he took me in his arms and held me. I buried my head in his shoulders and cried.

Tonight he wasn't my boss. He wasn't a co-worked. Tonight, he was a friend. He was comfort. He was part of home.

"You're never alone through any of this, Emily." He whispered. "You are never alone."

* * *

If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost. ~Lloyd Douglas


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey so here is another chapter! I will be gone for a week and away from a computer so it will be a little while before the next update, that's why I really tried to get this one done! **

**And to the one reivew I got (so sad there was only one :(...) Yes, I believe JJ will come into the story, maybe the next chapter if it works out! :) **

**So read and enjoy! Please review!**

From childhood's hour I have not been. As others were; I have not seen. As others saw; I could not bring. My passions from a common spring. From the same source I have not taken, My sorrow; I could not awaken. My heart to joy at the same tone; And all I loved, I loved alone. Then- in my childhood, in the dawn, Of a most stormy life- was drawn, From every depth of good and ill, The mystery which binds me still: From the torrent, or the fountain, From the red cliff of the mountain, From the sun that round me rolled, In its autumn tint of gold, From the lightning in the sky. As it passed me flying by, From the thunder and the storm, And the cloud that took the form. Of a demon in my view.

- Edgar Allan Poe

* * *

My tired eyes looked out the window as the sun just barely began to peak over the horizon. I had finally convinced Hotch to leave, although he had been reluctant I would see the dark circles forming under his eyes and knew that sleep was calling him home.

Sleep. It evaded me like the sun avoids the rain. I longed for the welcome blanket of darkness to cover me; but it never came and I feared it would be a long time before it would. My body needed rest but my mind was afraid of what was waiting behind dark corridors.

I felt like a broken record; I kept rehashing thing over and over in my mind, thinking the same things again and again. If I kept this up I would land myself a comfortable bed in a mental ward in no time.

Pulling my knees closer to my chest I closed my eyes for a moment. But as soon as all the light was blocked out, it was like I was thrust into a vortex of haunted memory. I opened my eyes quickly, biting my lip as I did; needing the pain to know I was still there.

I inhaled deeply. It smelled like home. Something I had missed. At first it had felt like a vacation; an all-expense paid trip to Paris, France. A new name, a new look, a new everything. But the longer time went on, the longer it took for each day to pass.

The more I missed the team; my family. More the horrors haunted my sleep; I was anxious all the time. Looking over my shoulder at every turn, afraid he was behind me. I longed for someone to talk to, someone I could confide in.

I was home now. I had my family back, and what was left of my life. But I wanted to run away, to leave everything again. Because now I felt torn; I wanted things to go back to normal, but normal was something I could never get back.

Normal was long gone, part of a past that was not to be revisited. Everyone wanted the old me back, hell, I wanted the old me again. But she was gone. I knew in my heart, deep down in the depths of my soul, that she was gone.

The moment Ian Doyle had reappeared in my life, that Emily was dead. I lost a part of myself during that time; a part that could not heal, a scar that could not fade. No matter how much time might pass, there was no medicine to cure me.

I was broken. I had been bent, cracked, crushed, and shattered. I'd been all of those things many times before. And on more than one occasion I had thought that I was done for, but each time I healed; each time I mended.

But this time it was different. I felt it inside of me. Something I could not ignore no matter how much I wanted to or even how much I tried too. I was broken for good.

Now it was just up to me to either accept that fact and move on, or wallow in my own hatred and self-pity until someone came to save me from the strong grip of darkness that was threatening to take my life once and for good.

* * *

The day passed slowly. Time drifted like a feather falling to the ground; swaying slowly, floating, falling. I could not even bring myself to cry anymore. I was out of tears.

No frightening thought, no rush of guilt, no pain could bring even a glistening, shimmering tear to my eye. I was a blank slate, free of any torment of emotion. I was unfeeling, somewhat living, and deadly close to ceasing to exist.

How could I have been so stupid to return? They were just starting to move on with their lives; move away from the grief and towards a happy and bright future. I was so selfish. Returning home and dropping a bombshell once again on the ones I love; all for only my own happiness.

And now I was not even happy. Now I wished I truly was dead. That Doyle had just finished me off, that Morgan had just been seconds later. Then I wouldn't be faced with the bleak future that was staring me down now.

If only life could be simple. If it could just be black and white; right and wrong. Easy. But nothing ever was. It was always hard and challenging. And just when you overcame something an even greater peril waited for you around the corner.

Waiting in the shadows for your one brief moment of peace and comfort. Then it would spring at you from the darkness. Sinking its claws into your skin; drawing blood and bringing blinding pain. Yet another demon you did not know, yet another gut wrenching fight you had to face.

For what, grow old and die? Our childhood is peaceful and forgiving. The age between a child and adult is exciting, new; when you are just learning about the scariness of the world. Then you are expected to go to school, get good grades, find a job.

Work for so many years, find someone you love, have a family. Grow old and wait. Wait for death to rest upon your doorstep. And is it really worth all those years of tiresome days? Those sleepless nights filled with worry if you will have enough?

Enough anything, money, love, joy, work, the list goes on. When all we really do is just live to die. So that as we lye on our deathbed we can look back on the years and I say I don't regret a thing?

I closed my eyes; trying to make myself stop thinking. I was only burying myself deeper, and if I kept going soon I would have no air to breathe.

And then I thought, I live because I have too. Because I am too damn stubborn to quit; I never used to give in easily and I swore to myself that I wouldn't start now.

I was not sure where I was in faith, if anywhere at all, but at that moment I knew. After burying myself in deaths clutches and somehow bringing light upon my face, I realized something. I lived for a reason. I came back for a reason.

And although I may not understand it, that didn't mean there wasn't one. Just because I do something, does not mean I have to give reason for it. Sometimes the best ideas are those that are done at a moment's notice.

So maybe I did not know why I was standing in my apartment at this very moment. Maybe I had no idea why I got on a plain and returned home, breaking many rules in the process. Maybe I didn't give a fuck.

I laughed out loud at myself. I'd gone from dark and depressing to screw life and live it in less than ten minutes. Maybe there really was something wrong with me, and again, maybe I didn't care.

I had no idea what the future held for me. But I trusted whatever it was that I trusted that it would work out. That somehow the puzzle pieces of my life would once again fall into place and create a beautiful picture.

Even if I could not see that picture now, I knew, somewhere down the line, that it would be there. And that I would be in it. Alive, loved, and for maybe one true moment in my life…happy.

* * *

I was feeling sad, Can't help looking back, Highways flew by, Run, run, run away, No sense of time, Want you to stay, Want keep you inside, All along, not so strong without these open arms, Hold on tight

- Lyrics by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Runaway

**So what did ya think?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, so I know this story has not been updated in a super long time and I am completely embarrassed about that. Kinda forgot that I hadn't finished it yet til I was on here a few days ago. So here is the final chapter. Ending it sooner than originally planned but I figured you all have waited long enough and that you deserved, what I hope to, a decent ending. **

**Reviews are welcome and thanks for sticking with this story! Enjoy**

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light. ~Barry Lopez, Arctic Dreams

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything,

That's how the light gets in.

~Leonard Cohen

* * *

I could feel myself falling; slowly drifting into the deep darkness of sleep. But my body jolted awake before slumber could completely consume me.

Instincts kicking in, I grabbed my gun from the nightstand drawer and scanned the room. My heart pounded in my chest and blood rushed to my ears.

Stepping out of bed, the night air felt cold against my sweat covered skin. My eyes were alert, waiting and watching for….something.

A car horn honked and I jumped at the sound, cursing myself for being so paranoid. Lowering my gun I sat at the end of the bed, not realizing how weak my legs felt.

Running a shaky hand through my hair, I slowly rose to my feet. Setting the gun down, I picked up my cell. It was late; I knew I shouldn't call her. But I also knew she would be furious if she knew I was contemplating it.

I pressed speed dial and listened to in ring. On the third one I almost hung up, until her familiar voice sounded on the other side.

"Garcia, hey." My voiced sounded soft, nothing like my own; normally filled with confidence and conviction. "I'm sorry it's so late, I-

"Oh honey, what's wrong? Are you okay? You sound upset? Do you need me to come over?" Her voice flooded with concern and I could feel the tears already filling in my eyes.

"Would you?" Was all I could manage in fear my voice would crack.

"I'll be there in five."

* * *

The knock on my door didn't come soon enough. But I was surprised to see two worried faces looking at me when I opened the door.

Before I could get a word out, Garcia grasped me in a tight hug. "Don't hate me but I had too. I was so worried when you called, you sounded…well, not like you. And I just didn't know what else to do!"

I couldn't help but smile at Penelope. She cared so much; sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve all the love that she had to offer. And I also knew if she knew I thought that, she would kill me and somehow that made it worse.

"You should have heard here the whole way over here. She was freaking about that you'd be mad at her for getting me." JJ said as she stepped inside.

I smiled as she too gave me a warm hug. "Honestly, I'm just glad to not be alone right now."

"Now you two go sit, I'll get us some tea." Garcia said, already taking off her coat and setting her bag by the door.

"You guys are guests, I should be doing th-"

"Emily Prentiss, go sit down now. We are not guests either, we're family. Now go!"

I looked at JJ and gave me a knowing smile. "Alright, alright, I'm going." I walked into the living room with JJ. She took a seat in one of the overstuffed arm chairs but I was too restless to sit down.

Instead I walked over to the window and peered out at the dark sleeping city. "If only I was one of them." I said softly.

"What do you mean?"

I turned to look at JJ, for a brief moment having forgotten I was no longer alone. I turned back to the window, finding it easier to talk to darkness rather than look someone in the eye.

"One of them." I said again, "Tucked away under the covers in a warm bed, oblivious to the terrors and monsters of the world; to be naïve again.

Instead I know all too well what lurks in dark alleys, what preys of sleeping families. I know that nightmares can be all too real. I know because I've seen them, I've lived them-hell, I'm still in one."

"Don't talk like that." Garcia said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Why not, Penelope? It's true. I can't even feel safe in my own apartment, I get scared when I'm alone, the smallest bump in the night and I have my gun out, aimed and ready.

I can't live my life in fear; always looking over my shoulder; fearful of all the shadows lurking behind corners. That's not a life, that's hell."

My two friends looked at me in a slightly stunned silence. I couldn't blame them. My outburst was out of character, but then again, I wasn't the same Emily Prentiss they thought I was.

Garcia looked at JJ, apparently at a loss for words, and in any other situation I would have joked that that was the first time I'd ever seen her without something say.

"We all have our shadows, Emily. And we all have a past. I get it, what you went through no one should have ever had to endure. But you're a strong, powerful, kick-ass woman with a gun."

I couldn't help a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth at her words; she smiled too.

"Doyle is part of the past now, yeah it's recent past, but it's over. You're home, you're safe, and you're alive. I know you may not feel whole, or complete anymore but you are standing here before us and that's all that matters.

You have a family, right here. You have people who are willing to travel across the world, to go to any lengths, to help you. All you have to do is let us in and let us help. We all have to adjust; you were completely alone and the team mourned your death.

It's not going to disappear in a day, but life is not always going to be full of shadows around corners. "

"Shadows fade, Em. All you have to do is shine a light. And before you know it, their gone."

I looked at Garcia; tears were streaming from her face and she held the cup of tea in her hand, untouched.

The words fell from my lips before I could even fully realize what I was saying. "I-I can't do it alone."

I closed my eyes for a moment and whipped tears from my cheek that I hadn't even realized had been falling. Before I even had time to take a breath, warm arms embraced me in a tight hug and I fell into them blindly.

Wrapping my arms around her, I could feel JJ sob into my shoulder and she held on to me and whispered softly, "You are never alone."

It was in moment I realized that good always triumphed over evil. And no matter how powerful darkness becomes, even the smallest candle, in the darkest place, can give off a bright and shining light.

* * *

Though my soul may set in darkness,

It will rise in perfect light,

I have loved the stars too fondly

To be fearful of the night.

~Sarah Williams

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

**Please review! Sorry it wasn't longer but I didn't want to babble on to much! Hope you liked the story, and again, my apologies for not updating this sooner.**


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